Arnold Night 2

After the raging success of the first Arnold Night, you know we had to do it again. And so, can you believe how much we were in heaven? We felt were getting the feeling of coming during Conan the Barbarian, we were getting the feeling of coming during Commando. So you know, we were in heaven.

I don't know if any movie could be better than Pumping Iron, but these were both leaps and bounds better than Raw Deal. Conan was one of Arnold's first starring roles, so he hadn't found the Schwarzenegger Formula yet. There are no one-liners, and Arnold isn't a white-hat good guy. His first line, which comes twenty-five minutes into the film, in response to the question, "What is best in life?" is, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!" This is very different from the character he plays in almost every other movie: a wisecracking tough guy with a heart of gold. As a result, I have to say it's one of his best films (on the regular movie scale), but paradoxically it's also one of his least-"Arnold" films. This, of course, is purely coincidental.

This movie is just a great fantasy adventure, from a decade that wasn't afraid of the inherent silliness of fantasy movies (e.g., Legend, Krull, Willow). Of all the great 80s fantasy movies, Conan the Barbarian is my favorite. The writing is actually decent, the score is a masterpiece, and the sets and costumes are only moderately ridiculous-looking (in fact, the most ridiculous costumes are taken directly from the Sergei Eisenstein classic Alexander Nevsky--I happen to hate it, but I respect the decision to swipe costumes from a work by a highly respected director to bring credibility to the fantasy genre). Plus, the fight scenes are as fun as anything from Lord of the Rings, just on a smaller scale.

[warning--spoilers]
This time I was pretty unsettled by something I never noticed when I was a kid. The villain of the movie is played by James Earl Jones, who is pretty much the only black actor in the movie. It turns out that Jones' character, Thulsa Doom, is the head of a snake-worship cult. The members and priests of this cult dress in white hooded robes, very similar to those of the KKK. The scene I found unsettling occurs at the end of the film, when Conan brutally decapitates Thulsa Doom in front of a legion of torch-carrying hooded white people. I'm working on getting a picture to post, but oddly there's a shortage of Conan pics on the Internet.

Commando might be one of Arnold's worst movies on the regular movie scale, but is easily the best on the Arnold Scale. It begins with a series of seemingly disconnected murders. These aren't just any murders, though. These are wacky murders! One guy is taking his garbage out when the garbage men gun him down in front of his house in broad daylight. Why would they do that? Don't worry, it makes perfect sense. Kind of.

After four or five minutes of brutal murders, we go to a cabin high in the mountains, where we see Arnold as John Matrix frolicking and eating ice cream and feeding a deer with his daughter (a very young Alyssa Milano). The peace is soon interrupted by the arrival of General Kirby, the leader of his former special-ops team, come to inform Matrix that all the members of his team are now dead. As soon as Kirby leaves, all hell breaks loose. Matrix's daughter is kidnapped, and he is sent to South America to assassinate a president he helped put into power (because he trusts Matrix, get it?).

It seems that one of the men we thought we saw die three minutes earlier is actually behind the attack. Apparently Matrix dismissed Bennett from his team (possibly because he is slightly overweight and wears a chain mail vest), and now Bennett lives for revenge. Just so you know, Bennett might be the worst villain in the history of drama.

Much like a porno movie, the story is ludicrous. But this is the quintessential action movie of its kind. Matrix kills all of his enemies, usually one by one, but occassionally dozens at a time, without incurring any injuries of his own. I mean, sure he gets shot a few times, but only in the arm. That doesn't even stop Matrix from throwing knives with pinpoint accuracy. Dialogue comes in three flavors: 1) expository plot explanations 2) pre-fight taunts 3) post-kill one-liners. Here are a few of my favorite exchanges:

Cooke: You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.
Matrix: I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry.
Cindy: I can't believe this macho bullshit.

[Matrix throws a steaming-hot pipe through Bennett's chest, chain mail and all. Steam pours from the pipe]
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.

As you can see, Commando represents the highest standard in filmmaking. But don't take my word for it, just look at all the awards it was nominated for! Somehow Back to the Future beat it for the Saturn Award for Best Special Effects. They must not have realized the steaming pipe was a special effect. It looks so real I can't blame them. I'm glad Alyssa Milano didn't get the Young Artist Award, though. The little sister from Rad totally deserved it!

Seriously, though, I'm impressed that this movie is so cool with interracial romance. Not only is the damsel in distress black, but during the fight in the shopping mall, this black security guard is hitting on a multi-racial crowd of women, bragging about how he's going to kick Arnold's ass. But, as he discovers, Arnold is "one gigantic mo-ther-fu-cker!"

Be sure to check out CommandoFans.com for everything you could ever want to know about this, the best Arnold movie ever.

I did a lot of my own stunts in Commando, which I don't mind. I owe it to my fans because it's me they're coming to see. Maybe now, with computers, they can just add me in. But I don't think they have a big enough computer yet. What is it, a gigabyte? With these muscles, you're going to need a lot of those." - Arnold Schwarzenegger