Arnold Night 2

After the raging success of the first Arnold Night, you know we had to do it again. And so, can you believe how much we were in heaven? We felt were getting the feeling of coming during Conan the Barbarian, we were getting the feeling of coming during Commando. So you know, we were in heaven.

I don't know if any movie could be better than Pumping Iron, but these were both leaps and bounds better than Raw Deal. Conan was one of Arnold's first starring roles, so he hadn't found the Schwarzenegger Formula yet. There are no one-liners, and Arnold isn't a white-hat good guy. His first line, which comes twenty-five minutes into the film, in response to the question, "What is best in life?" is, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!" This is very different from the character he plays in almost every other movie: a wisecracking tough guy with a heart of gold. As a result, I have to say it's one of his best films (on the regular movie scale), but paradoxically it's also one of his least-"Arnold" films. This, of course, is purely coincidental.

This movie is just a great fantasy adventure, from a decade that wasn't afraid of the inherent silliness of fantasy movies (e.g., Legend, Krull, Willow). Of all the great 80s fantasy movies, Conan the Barbarian is my favorite. The writing is actually decent, the score is a masterpiece, and the sets and costumes are only moderately ridiculous-looking (in fact, the most ridiculous costumes are taken directly from the Sergei Eisenstein classic Alexander Nevsky--I happen to hate it, but I respect the decision to swipe costumes from a work by a highly respected director to bring credibility to the fantasy genre). Plus, the fight scenes are as fun as anything from Lord of the Rings, just on a smaller scale.

[warning--spoilers]
This time I was pretty unsettled by something I never noticed when I was a kid. The villain of the movie is played by James Earl Jones, who is pretty much the only black actor in the movie. It turns out that Jones' character, Thulsa Doom, is the head of a snake-worship cult. The members and priests of this cult dress in white hooded robes, very similar to those of the KKK. The scene I found unsettling occurs at the end of the film, when Conan brutally decapitates Thulsa Doom in front of a legion of torch-carrying hooded white people. I'm working on getting a picture to post, but oddly there's a shortage of Conan pics on the Internet.

Commando might be one of Arnold's worst movies on the regular movie scale, but is easily the best on the Arnold Scale. It begins with a series of seemingly disconnected murders. These aren't just any murders, though. These are wacky murders! One guy is taking his garbage out when the garbage men gun him down in front of his house in broad daylight. Why would they do that? Don't worry, it makes perfect sense. Kind of.

After four or five minutes of brutal murders, we go to a cabin high in the mountains, where we see Arnold as John Matrix frolicking and eating ice cream and feeding a deer with his daughter (a very young Alyssa Milano). The peace is soon interrupted by the arrival of General Kirby, the leader of his former special-ops team, come to inform Matrix that all the members of his team are now dead. As soon as Kirby leaves, all hell breaks loose. Matrix's daughter is kidnapped, and he is sent to South America to assassinate a president he helped put into power (because he trusts Matrix, get it?).

It seems that one of the men we thought we saw die three minutes earlier is actually behind the attack. Apparently Matrix dismissed Bennett from his team (possibly because he is slightly overweight and wears a chain mail vest), and now Bennett lives for revenge. Just so you know, Bennett might be the worst villain in the history of drama.

Much like a porno movie, the story is ludicrous. But this is the quintessential action movie of its kind. Matrix kills all of his enemies, usually one by one, but occassionally dozens at a time, without incurring any injuries of his own. I mean, sure he gets shot a few times, but only in the arm. That doesn't even stop Matrix from throwing knives with pinpoint accuracy. Dialogue comes in three flavors: 1) expository plot explanations 2) pre-fight taunts 3) post-kill one-liners. Here are a few of my favorite exchanges:

Cooke: You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.
Matrix: I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry.
Cindy: I can't believe this macho bullshit.

[Matrix throws a steaming-hot pipe through Bennett's chest, chain mail and all. Steam pours from the pipe]
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.

As you can see, Commando represents the highest standard in filmmaking. But don't take my word for it, just look at all the awards it was nominated for! Somehow Back to the Future beat it for the Saturn Award for Best Special Effects. They must not have realized the steaming pipe was a special effect. It looks so real I can't blame them. I'm glad Alyssa Milano didn't get the Young Artist Award, though. The little sister from Rad totally deserved it!

Seriously, though, I'm impressed that this movie is so cool with interracial romance. Not only is the damsel in distress black, but during the fight in the shopping mall, this black security guard is hitting on a multi-racial crowd of women, bragging about how he's going to kick Arnold's ass. But, as he discovers, Arnold is "one gigantic mo-ther-fu-cker!"

Be sure to check out CommandoFans.com for everything you could ever want to know about this, the best Arnold movie ever.

I did a lot of my own stunts in Commando, which I don't mind. I owe it to my fans because it's me they're coming to see. Maybe now, with computers, they can just add me in. But I don't think they have a big enough computer yet. What is it, a gigabyte? With these muscles, you're going to need a lot of those." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Night, Part I

A few weeks ago I got the strongest craving to watch an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I knew it would be a waste to get a bunch of his stuff from Netflix and watch it by myself. Arnold deserves an audience! Not to mention it's just way more fun laughing at the extreme buddiness of it with other people who can appreciate such things. So I decided it would be necessary to get a bunch of guys over to watch some of the Arnold classics. There was one man I knew who could make or break this Arnold Night, and that man was Moose. So after many weeks of trying to work out our schedules, we were finally able to meet up, along with Jake, Rugger, and Joe, for a night of classic Arnold.

First came Pumping Iron, the documentary that opened the world's eyes to Mr. Schwarzenegger in the first place. All I can say is that I have a newfound respect not only for Arnold, but for bodybuilding. I still don't really have any interest in following the sport, but I see it in a new light. According to Arnold, the competitors are judged as if they are living statues. It's not just who has the biggest muscles, but about the proportions of those muscles, and the symmetry of the body. Their pose routine is designed very precisely to show off their body, and a poorly-executed pose will not show off the body the way it is meant to. So it takes discipline and grace in addition to maddening hours of lifting weights.

But the main draw of the film is the Arnold interviews. He says some pretty crazy things, from claiming that his father's death did not affect him, to bragging about destroying other lifters' careers with his bad advice. The high point of the comedy came when Arnold described "The Pump," the feeling he gets when he lifts weights:

Let's say you train your biceps. Blood is rushing into your muscles and that's what we call The Pump. You muscles get a really tight feeling, like your skin is going to explode any minute, and it's really tight - it's like somebody blowing air into it, into your muscle. It just blows up, and it feels really different. It feels fantastic. It's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven.

There is also some dramatic tension in the contests themselves. The documentary crew follows the training of Lou Ferrigno (TV's Incredible Hulk) as he attempts to break into the professional bodybuilding world by dethroning five-time champ Arnold. This contest is prefaced by a quick look at an amateur-level contest. We see one builder planning to psych out his opponent by hiding his things right before the match. Later we see the frustrated athlete searching everywhere for his favorite t-shirt, with no success. The mind game works, and he is shaken enough to get bumped out of the contest. Much later we will see Arnold play even more serious games with Ferrigno, which adds an interesting psychological element to the competition.

Next up was Raw Deal. I honestly had no idea what was happening at any point during this movie, but I think I had a good time watching it anyway. There were a lot more laughs than in Pumping Iron, but most of them were just because of the startling ineptitude of the filmmakers. However, there was a post on the IMDb message board about this movie that pretty much summed up everything I loved about it:

Things I learnt from 'Raw Deal'...

1) It's totally fine to cause millions of pounds worth of damage, go on killings sprees, effectively cheat on your wife, and give the woman your cheating with loads of money, as long as your pretty much a good guy. Infact, you might even get your job back!

2) The best way to fake your own death is with a massive explosion.

3) Don't worry about getting away from this explosion. As long as you drive slowly away on a motorbike, debris and heat can't touch you.

4) If you want to make friends, go to summer camp.

5) If your going undercover, just change your hair. A bit.

6) Cigars are cool.

7) A few bottles of champagne really wipes you out.

8)People in wheelchairs can walk, they're just not trying hard enough!

9) Your wife won't care that you've faked your own death and left her for a while - she'll get herself pregnant while you're gone.

10) Nobody gives Arnold a raw deal - and lives.

[note: I just took my favorite 10 things from the whole thread, so this isn't an exact copy of that list. So you can't sue me.]

Arnold Night was such a success, we're planning to do it again very soon. Possibly tomorrow. Potential movie candidates include Commando, Last Action Hero, and both Conan movies (The Barbarian and The Destroyer) !

Gaming Update: Revolution

Just when I stopped caring about next-generation gaming because there was too much focus on graphics and hardware power and not enough on fun, Nintendo reveals its long-awaited Revolution controller. Months ago, when Sony and Microsoft were having a very Freudian big-dick contest over whose system was the most powerful, Nintendo openly admitted that its Revolution system would be much less powerful than either of its competitors. In fact, that was just about the only specific detail Nintendo would release about the Revolution. They did, however, offer one more ambiguous statement: "The controller will change the way people play games."

Understandably, the rumor mills started churning out speculation immediately. Some said the controller would use gyroscopes to measure the angle at which the controller is held. Others thought it would incorporate the touch-screen technology seen on the Nintendo DS handheld system. Microsoft and Sony seemed to ignore the Ninten-underdog and went on touting their own graphics giants.


But nobody has heard a peep from either of them since Nintendo revealed its new controller on September 15th. All I can say is "whoa..." This baby is hot. It looks just like a TV remote, meaning you can play with just one hand. There are only a few buttons, but with a few sensors placed next to the TV set, the controller's input potential is almost limitless. Your own hand motions control action in the game. If you're playing a baseball game, the controller acts like a real bat. If you're playing tennis, it becomes a raquet. It can be a golf club, a gun, a sword, even a drum stick. Alternatively, the controller could serve as a mouse-like pointer device, except unlike a mouse, you can move it in three dimensions. Hell, there's no idication that the sensors can't detect yaw, pitch, and roll as well. Imagine controlling a plane in a video game the same way moms make imaginary planes when spoonfeeding infants.

In case you couldn't tell, this is very exciting news. I couldn't care less about graphics getting even better than they already are. I want games that take me to new places, the way the original Nintendo did, and the way the original Playstation did. It's too bad that Nintendo is the only system developer who are still able to dream. I hope game-makers are up to the challenge of building a playground in this new dreamscape. If they are, then I'll see you on the swings.

Is it illegal to be a dope?

As a person who has never smoked pot, but who grew up with the Reagan administration's lame anti-drug propaganda campaign (seriously, it was lame. Kids today think those Truth ads are lame, but they have no idea the crap we had to put up with), I guess I have as much right as anyone to an opinion on the legalization of marijuana.

Now, as a liberal college graduate, it's pretty much expected that I am in the "legalize it" camp. And I guess I am. The War on Drugs is costing taxpayers millions of dollars, filling our jails with nonviolent offenders, and putting a lot of law enforcement agents in serious danger. Not to mention the racism and corruption below the surface. If it were legal here, then we could grow it here and not send any more money to drug kingpins abroad. We could tax it, we could more easily control it, and we could more accurately monitor it. For all these reasons, pot should be legal.

But with all the focus on whether or not pot should be legalized, let's not forget to ask ourselves one important question: Is smoking pot cool? I don't think it is. And I don't mean that in the anti-drug commercial way, where a person who is way more lame than the burnouts the ad is aimed at says, "smoking dope is for dopes." I mean, there was a time when pot was cool. Way cool. Unfortunately for current-day smokers, that time was called the 1960s. It was the drug of the decade, the way cocaine was the drug of the 70s. But those days are long gone, kids.

Let's be real here. People's grandmas smoke pot. I love my grandma, but I don't usually look to her for guidance in the way of what's cool. Plus, there's no shock value to it anymore. If you're smoking pot to stick it to the man, just get your nose pierced. Straight America will never get over the sight of metal protruding from flesh. Not even Jesus is freaked out by pot (see right). If you smoke it just to feel good, just know that you do it at a cost. I don't mean the chance of getting caught and being subject to the extreme drug laws in NY state. I mean nobody likes being around you when you're high. Most people are more fun to be around when they've had a little to drink, but when people are high they're almost never any fun to be around.

If anything, the fact that it's illegal is the only thing cool about smoking it. So let's make it legal to buy and smoke marijuana, and maybe people will stop doing it.

WRAD

If I had a radio station those would be its call numbers. "WRAD, Rad Radio: playing only the best of everything." In high school I was strictly a classic rock boy, with the occassional exception (Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins). These days I have much more ecclectic tastes; Hip hop, jazz, modern rock, some techno, and even Icelandic spacey post-rock. However, having broader interests doesn't mean I've lowered my standards. In exploring these other fields of music, I've realized that, just like with rock, 90% of everything released in other genres is pure crap. Since you obviously want my knowledge (you're reading my blog for crying out loud), I'll give you some recommendations. I'll try to list them in order of "normalcy," starting with the most normal-sounding (but still sensational), and ending with the most weird or experimental. I recommend them all with gusto.

Bruce Springsteen -- Devils and Dust
The title track gives me chills. This is a man who can take current world politics and bring them down to a personal level, inject them with powerful images, and set them to music.

Audioslave -- Out of Exile
The super-group's second album is solid, but falls just short of their outstanding first. Still, this solidifies Audioslave as one of the best rock bands in America right now...

Foo Fighters -- In Your Honor
Dave Grohl is a master songsmith, not to mention rocking guitar player and frontman. All of his talent is on display here, in what sounds an awful lot like a tribute to Kurt Cobain.

Jack Johnson -- In Between Dreams
Quiet, elegant acoustic guitar rock at its best. Johnson has a strikingly natural sound, like he's sitting in the room with you. Maybe it's just me :p

Aimee Mann -- The Forgotten Arm
The fact that Aimee Mann is still relatively unknown is one of the surest signs that American music is in trouble.

The Roots -- The Tipping Point
These guys get my vote for best hip hop group out there. Just check out "Web" and try to convince me otherwise.

Keane -- Hopes and Fears
Those crazy Brits. They made a rock band with no guitars. This, their first album, sounds very dramatic. At times it's downright epic.

Kanye West -- Late Registration
Could "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" become the first great political rap of the decade? Unless my memory fails me, I think it might be.

Norah Jones -- Feels Like Home
Norah's second album is better than her first in almost every way. I can't get enough.

Common -- Be
I am blown away. His raps are intelligent, touching, and potentially world-changing. Common is not only a sophisticated rapper, but also a great humanist.

Blackalicious -- Blazing Arrow
Gift of Gab spins rhymes at the speed of light around the themes of love, natural disasters, and the beauty in every moment.

Black-Eyed Peas -- Monkey Business
These guys have a unique energy that just makes you feel good. I challenge you to listen to "Pump It" without smiling.

Coldplay -- X&Y
Coldplay has followed a pretty consistent evolution across their three albums. By now they sound a little like something from outer space. I like the change.

Radiohead -- Hail to the Thief
If you like the direction Radiohead has been moving in then you might find this their best album to date. But even if you hate it, there are a few throwbacks to their older sound.

Beck -- Guero
Wacky Beck at his best. Video game beeps and other weird sound effects somehow make surprisingly infectious tunes.

The White Stripes -- Get Behind Me Satan
Damn it I love these guys. This is their most ecclectic, and best, album so far. All I'll say is that there is a genuine bluegrass song (Little Ghost).

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou Soundtrack
Yeah, I know it's a soundtrack and soundtracks suck. But this has David Bowie songs in Portugese.

M.I.A. -- Arular
Don't ask, just listen. She sounds like a slightly techno version of Stomp!, but that is a very flimsy comparison. This is from thousands of years in the future though, so you haven't heard anything else like it.

Macho Man Randy Savage -- Be A Man
Don't be scurred.

Why not?

It seems everyone has a blog these days, whether they have anything to say or not. So why give in to the trend? Why jump into the virtual mosh pit that is Internet blogging? Well, I had to sign up for one to leave comments on other peoples' blogs. But as this intro proves, it's much harder to get the ball rolling than to leave comments on an already-rolling one.




The nth Power

I was reading an article in The Guardian about this new kind of Japanese number puzzle called Kakuro, and it sounded pretty excellent (I'll wait for you to stop laughing... OK). So I went over to download.com to see if there were any free downloadable versions of kakuro that I could try out. Little did I realize I would find one of the greatest action/puzzle games I've ever played: n. It's a simple game, using only the spacebar, Shift, and arrow keys. There is no music, and the graphics look like the result of a half-hour's work in Microsoft Paint. But behind the simplicity is a thoughtful, challenging, and unlimited gaming experience. The free download comes with 500 designer-made levels, plus around 50 player-made challenges. In addition, the game features a custom level designer, leaving the doors open for infinite replayability. Talk about getting your money's worth.

Too often in today's games the challenge is derived from either controlling your character or arranging the camera so you can see what's going on. Both of these characteristics need to stop. They've been making 3D games for over a decade now, so there's really no excuse for the wacky cameras we still see in many third-person games, especially when you back up against a wall. All of a sudden there's an enemy right in your face, only you can't see it because the camera is off doing its own thing. Of course, games with a first-person camera tend to avoid that pitfall, but why should all games be in first person? Even when the camera is behaving correctly, sloppy physics or controls take away from the experience. Sometimes you can clearly see the enemy in front of you, but aiming and shooting is so complicated that you're dead before you can get off a shot. Is it just me, or are these problems on the rise? There is too much focus on graphics and not enough on simple user interface decisions that could turn lukewarm games into hits.

The reason Halo was a huge success was that it combined a clean, simple user interface with intuitive (and customizable!) controls. Ten minutes after picking up the controller, you feel like you ARE the Master Chief. The Zelda series is always successful, no matter what the graphics look like, because it's so easy to step into Link's shoes. The player is able to focus on the puzzles instead of the controller. The Grand Theft Auto series is another example--there have been dozens of imitators, but I bet all of them combined have made less money than any of the recent GTA titles. Why? Sluggish controls, complicated aiming and shooting, unrealistic car physics, and a million other things that GTA did right. Tetris, the best-selling game ever, couldn't be simpler. And now, as a new console generation approaches, n takes me way back to the basics, reminding me that flashy graphics may mean higher prices, but not necessarily better games.


What I'm into now:
Music: "Late Registration" --Kanye West
Game: Age of Mythology
TV: The Office
Book: David Copperfield --Charles Dickens


Something funny:
I realize this was a very un-funny post, but hey, I'm new at this. Read The Boondocks if you want something funny while I warm up. Or, there's always this.