Saving the world, 86,000 chickens at a time

This post was inspired by Joe's brilliant "And Boom Go The Chickens..." post.

My top 10 ways to kill 86,000 chickens:


1. Let economics do the work for you. Lower the price of McDonald's Chicken Nuggets to $0.05 a nugget. The market will take care of the rest.

OK, you may say that the whole point of killing the chickens is to prevent the spread of the disease they may or may not have. Feeding them to people will just expose those people to the disease, you may say. But who's going to flock to McDonald's for some 5 cent nuggets? That's right, the poor. Can you say 172,000 birds with one stone?

2. Mr. Stallone, I have the plot for your recently-announced Rocky VI. Remember in Rocky II where Mickey had you chase around a chicken to improve your footwork? Well imagine Rocky putting Mickey's knowledge to the ultimate test by chasing 86,000 chickens consecutively! The Italian Stallion is much older this time around, so he'll need a lot more agility training. And once Rocky catches a chicken, he proves he is still the best by punching it to death.

3. Follow Atari's lead: When they made a crappy game based on the movie E.T., and nobody bought them, they melted down truckloads of the cartridges and buried them in the desert. Now, I realize chickens don't melt, but already-melted E.T. cartridges will re-melt. So let's dig these guys up, melt them once more, throw the chickens in, and bury the whole mess again.

4. Inject the birds with the potentially deadly vaccine drug companies are already working on to combat the possibly bird flu pandemic. The best part is, nobody is accountable!

5. Make sure O.J.'s new house has a nice, big chicken coop. (OK, I know he's not moving here anymore, but can't we still dream?)

6. Have Mrs. Conley's second grade class play Grand Theft Auto and Unreal Tournament for a few hours, then send them on a class trip to a petting zoo. They'll all be murderous lunatics for sure.

7. Feed the chickens some Mad Cow beef.

8. Get the papparazzi to engage the chickens in a high-speed chase through the streets of Paris late at night.

9. Surgically replace one chicken's feathers with razor blades. Replace its beak with a high-powered drill. Then give it a near-lethal dose of steroids, making it both super-strong and hyper-aggressive. Now let it loose among the others. Can one cyborg chicken take on 85,999 regular chickens and survive?

10. Honestly, if someone had a big helicopter blade spinning and charged $5 to drop a chicken into it, he could make $430,000 and save us from the coming plague all at once. Not to mention the smiles he would bring to the faces of onlookers.

UPDATE:

I have a guest submission from my younger brother, Dan:

JackPorter23: get RJ [Ray, to the Shur Fine crowd] to send out for captain planet and friends because he's obviously in tight with the whole gang and go gangbusters on them mofos!